The Color of Christmas

During this special time of year, we are frequently graced by the croonings of Bing Crosby singing his signature hit. And every time I hear it, I am inspired to throw objects at the radio.

In case you are still wondering, Crosby's song is "White Christmas." Now, I know many of you are probably thinking something like, "How can you be so against a white Christmas? Where's your sense of Christmas sentiment?"

First, allow me to point out that most of the world's population lives where it is not cold enough to be snowing on Christmas Day. Therefore, "White Christmas" is simply a North American and European fantasy. Unless, of course, you're dreaming of a calamity similar to the one on "Day after Tomorrow," in which case you have bigger problems than overzealous sentimentalism.

Snow make look pretty on the trees, but practically speaking, it has no use for me. I mean, on days that it's snowing outside, I have to crank up the heat in our little apartment. With the rising heating costs imminent, I could be looking at serious financial hurting. What kind of Christmas spirit would wish that on anyone? I mean, it's like saying, "I'm dreaming of a heating bill that forces me to sell my car just to stay warm another month..."

Finally, to those who wish this white blanket of misery on the rest of us, I say move up here to the snowbelt. We'll see how much you still like it when the forcast typically goes something like, "Well, there's a 15% chance that the sun might come out today!"

I have a different picture of my ideal Christmas. I would like to offer the world a new song, sung to the familiar tune. I have a vision of young and old, black and white, male and female, all standing together, holding hands, and singing these words:

GREEN CHRISTMAS

I'm dreaming of a green Christmas
Just like the ones in Mexico [pronounced Me-hee-koh]
Where the ocean glistens
And children listen
To sounds of "Hola, Amigo!"

I'm dreaming of a green Christmas
And I hope all the roads stay clean.
May your meals be hearty and lean;
And may all your Christmases be GREEN!!!

All bitter farcity aside, though, whether you prefer it cold or warm, I would simply like to wish you a Happy Holidays, a Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah, or simply a Nice Day...depending on whatever offends you the least.

P.S. For a little heretical fun this Christmas, sing the song "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"...only everywhere "Santa Claus" is supposed to be sung, insert "Jesus Christ." Though it will make terrible theology, it will certainly paint an eschatological picture that is [almost quite literally] funny as hell!