During this special time of year, we are frequently graced by the croonings of Bing Crosby singing his signature hit. And every time I hear it, I am inspired to throw objects at the radio.
In case you are still wondering, Crosby's song is "White Christmas." Now, I know many of you are probably thinking something like, "How can you be so against a white Christmas? Where's your sense of Christmas sentiment?"
First, allow me to point out that most of the world's population lives where it is not cold enough to be snowing on Christmas Day. Therefore, "White Christmas" is simply a North American and European fantasy. Unless, of course, you're dreaming of a calamity similar to the one on "Day after Tomorrow," in which case you have bigger problems than overzealous sentimentalism.
Snow make look pretty on the trees, but practically speaking, it has no use for me. I mean, on days that it's snowing outside, I have to crank up the heat in our little apartment. With the rising heating costs imminent, I could be looking at serious financial hurting. What kind of Christmas spirit would wish that on anyone? I mean, it's like saying, "I'm dreaming of a heating bill that forces me to sell my car just to stay warm another month..."
Finally, to those who wish this white blanket of misery on the rest of us, I say move up here to the snowbelt. We'll see how much you still like it when the forcast typically goes something like, "Well, there's a 15% chance that the sun might come out today!"
I have a different picture of my ideal Christmas. I would like to offer the world a new song, sung to the familiar tune. I have a vision of young and old, black and white, male and female, all standing together, holding hands, and singing these words:
GREEN CHRISTMAS
I'm dreaming of a green Christmas
Just like the ones in Mexico [pronounced Me-hee-koh]
Where the ocean glistens
And children listen
To sounds of "Hola, Amigo!"
I'm dreaming of a green Christmas
And I hope all the roads stay clean.
May your meals be hearty and lean;
And may all your Christmases be GREEN!!!
All bitter farcity aside, though, whether you prefer it cold or warm, I would simply like to wish you a Happy Holidays, a Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah, or simply a Nice Day...depending on whatever offends you the least.
P.S. For a little heretical fun this Christmas, sing the song "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"...only everywhere "Santa Claus" is supposed to be sung, insert "Jesus Christ." Though it will make terrible theology, it will certainly paint an eschatological picture that is [almost quite literally] funny as hell!
12.21.2005
12.06.2005
A Christmas Irony
I want to explore something that is a bit ironic to me. Before I do so, allow me to set the stage.
You see, here in America, every year about this time, people begin to celebrate a certain legend whose arrival is commemorated at Christmas. Every year, we drag out stone images of him and set them on our tables; each holiday season, we sing songs celebrating his arrival. We pass along the story of his advent to each generation. Within these songs and stories is portrayed a man seeming human but with divine qualities. He possesses a certain omniscience and omnipresence, knowing when we lie down and when we arise. We are encouraged to believe in him, even though we have not seen. We are told to make supplication to him, for he is able to answer if we but ask. And, his imminent return to our dwelling is celebrated.
By now, I am sure you have all figured out who this Christmas legend is...Santa Claus! Yes, I know, you could say the same about Jesus Christ, but we'll deal with Him in a later article.
The irony began for me when I was a child, young enough to have the faith of a child, but in some ways too smart for my own good. It was one Christmas that this faith began to face significant questioning. The conclusions to which I then arrived were astounding.
You see, I began to wonder how one human being could possibly visit all children in the world in one night...even if he did have flying reindeer. I concluded that, given the surface area of the world's land mass, divided by the velocity of deer at top speed, it would take years to cover that much real estate. Therefore, either one of two things could be possible: either there is no Santa Claus, the ontological shock of which would have had been unbearable for my fragile mind; or...of course! He DOESN'T actually visit every child on earth!
Consider this: Jews and Muslims do not celebrate the birth of Christ. To Jews, He was merely a man with a following; Muslims respect Him, but not enough to give each other presents on His birthday. As a result, Jews and Muslims do not celebrate Christmas. Therefore, Santa does not stop at the houses of Jewish and Muslim children.
When I reached this conclusion, I was appalled! What are all the children going to think when they learn that Santa Claus, this icon of goodwill and charity, discriminates against certain faiths and cultures!?! Santa Claus is a RACIST BIGOT!
So now, you know the irony of Christmas: The only groups of people whom Santa visits are Christians and atheists.
You see, here in America, every year about this time, people begin to celebrate a certain legend whose arrival is commemorated at Christmas. Every year, we drag out stone images of him and set them on our tables; each holiday season, we sing songs celebrating his arrival. We pass along the story of his advent to each generation. Within these songs and stories is portrayed a man seeming human but with divine qualities. He possesses a certain omniscience and omnipresence, knowing when we lie down and when we arise. We are encouraged to believe in him, even though we have not seen. We are told to make supplication to him, for he is able to answer if we but ask. And, his imminent return to our dwelling is celebrated.
By now, I am sure you have all figured out who this Christmas legend is...Santa Claus! Yes, I know, you could say the same about Jesus Christ, but we'll deal with Him in a later article.
The irony began for me when I was a child, young enough to have the faith of a child, but in some ways too smart for my own good. It was one Christmas that this faith began to face significant questioning. The conclusions to which I then arrived were astounding.
You see, I began to wonder how one human being could possibly visit all children in the world in one night...even if he did have flying reindeer. I concluded that, given the surface area of the world's land mass, divided by the velocity of deer at top speed, it would take years to cover that much real estate. Therefore, either one of two things could be possible: either there is no Santa Claus, the ontological shock of which would have had been unbearable for my fragile mind; or...of course! He DOESN'T actually visit every child on earth!
Consider this: Jews and Muslims do not celebrate the birth of Christ. To Jews, He was merely a man with a following; Muslims respect Him, but not enough to give each other presents on His birthday. As a result, Jews and Muslims do not celebrate Christmas. Therefore, Santa does not stop at the houses of Jewish and Muslim children.
When I reached this conclusion, I was appalled! What are all the children going to think when they learn that Santa Claus, this icon of goodwill and charity, discriminates against certain faiths and cultures!?! Santa Claus is a RACIST BIGOT!
So now, you know the irony of Christmas: The only groups of people whom Santa visits are Christians and atheists.
11.11.2005
A Concise Update
I am taking midterms this week, as well as seriously considering the Amish lifestyle.
10.27.2005
"Grace for the Village People" by Tiff
This is an essay about how I deal with where I work. At first glance at the title, you may think my clientele are a bunch of old people who wear plaid and leather, refusing to give up their glory days of disco dancing. But for those of you who do not know, the place I work, Boys’ Village, is actually a treatment facility that treats adolescent male sex offenders (juveniles). Some people might think of my job as taking a risk, a waste of time, or simply a bad resume builder. Some would even go as far to say that working with these kids is inhumane and sickening. In other words, not a job one would say...when I grow up I want to be a child care worker.”
However, I choose to see my job as a responsibility and an opportunity to reach out in a unique way. No day is the same at Boys’ Village. Each day brings new challenges and obstacles. Especially when you are a young female working with high levels of testosterone! Although I have to say that boys are easier to work with than girls…trust me!
Everyday I go into work I wonder what obstacles I’m going to face, whether it be just a petty argument or a full out fight that I have to breakup by restraining one of the boys. Although it is not the perfect job (what job is?), I choose to go into work everyday realizing that I have an opportunity to change the young criminal minds before they become REAL criminals. I try to see my job as a privilege to work with these mentally challenged kids because I have the opportunity to teach them something valuable that they may not have learned elsewhere. Many of these kids come from broken families and have been abused themselves. In fact, one becomes a sex offender because they have been offended first. Sad, but true. This is reality folks.
Here’s some disturbing stats for ya to ponder…
- One in four girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before reaching age 18.
- One in five children is sexually solicited while on the Internet.
- Less than one in 10 children will tell.
- An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse live in America.
*Statistics from the Akron Beacon Journal, “Abuse of Daughter Spurs Woman to Act,” September 7, 2005.
So what you may say, this is our world today. Whether we realize it or not, we have some control in this. As Dan said in his last writing, we have a choice – we can sit back and watch people fall through the cracks or we can build a relationship and mentor them. I am choosing the difficult path, facing my fears, and going against reason to make a difference and to give grace to these troubled boys. Most people would say they don’t deserve it, but did we Christians deserve the Grace Jesus so abundantly gave us? Check out Matthew 18:23-35 (The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant) and ask yourself what it means to be a good steward of His grace. This is why I go to Boys’ Village everyday.
Let me hear what you think. What does it mean to be a steward of grace? Is it right to hold a society accountable for the problems of individuals therein? In what ways are each of you out there showing grace to others?
However, I choose to see my job as a responsibility and an opportunity to reach out in a unique way. No day is the same at Boys’ Village. Each day brings new challenges and obstacles. Especially when you are a young female working with high levels of testosterone! Although I have to say that boys are easier to work with than girls…trust me!
Everyday I go into work I wonder what obstacles I’m going to face, whether it be just a petty argument or a full out fight that I have to breakup by restraining one of the boys. Although it is not the perfect job (what job is?), I choose to go into work everyday realizing that I have an opportunity to change the young criminal minds before they become REAL criminals. I try to see my job as a privilege to work with these mentally challenged kids because I have the opportunity to teach them something valuable that they may not have learned elsewhere. Many of these kids come from broken families and have been abused themselves. In fact, one becomes a sex offender because they have been offended first. Sad, but true. This is reality folks.
Here’s some disturbing stats for ya to ponder…
- One in four girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before reaching age 18.
- One in five children is sexually solicited while on the Internet.
- Less than one in 10 children will tell.
- An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse live in America.
*Statistics from the Akron Beacon Journal, “Abuse of Daughter Spurs Woman to Act,” September 7, 2005.
So what you may say, this is our world today. Whether we realize it or not, we have some control in this. As Dan said in his last writing, we have a choice – we can sit back and watch people fall through the cracks or we can build a relationship and mentor them. I am choosing the difficult path, facing my fears, and going against reason to make a difference and to give grace to these troubled boys. Most people would say they don’t deserve it, but did we Christians deserve the Grace Jesus so abundantly gave us? Check out Matthew 18:23-35 (The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant) and ask yourself what it means to be a good steward of His grace. This is why I go to Boys’ Village everyday.
Let me hear what you think. What does it mean to be a steward of grace? Is it right to hold a society accountable for the problems of individuals therein? In what ways are each of you out there showing grace to others?
10.17.2005
Culture Wars
As he brushed by me on the heavily trafficked sidewalk, my automatic response was vigilance. I wanted to keep my eye on this man, to make sure he did not pull any suspicious moves. However, after he brought food over to his wife and children, interacting lovingly with them, I was deeply disappointed with myself.
You see, under normal circumstances, I am extra alert when someone in a crowd makes any sort of bodily contact with me. I see myself as an equal-opportunity kind of guy; I don't trust anyone, no matter what color they are. But something unique about this man made me watch him with heightened suspicion. Maybe it was the turban on his head, or his long beard; perhaps it was his golden skin. Either way, I was confronted with my own depravity.
Our brilliant friends in the media and in Washington have programmed us to view Muslims/Mid-Easterners as prone to violence, creating an internal response that would allow a fair-minded human to watch another with suspicion. It's the same treatment they gave German-Americans during World War I, as well as Japanese-Americans in World War II, even the ones that wanted nothing to do with the conflict.
To those of you who have heard the arguments against Islam, the arguments which caricature a power-hungry, anything-goes militarism, I would say, "Be careful." If you use this argument against them, it will come right back at you. Consider this entirely hypothetical conversation between a white conservative evangelical American and an Arab Muslim from Saudi Arabia:
American: "You people have no value for a human life! How could you take your women and children, and strap a suicide bomb to them?"
Arab: "For the same reasons that you rape yours."
Some points to consider:
-Every culture has its sins. While we hear of bombs going off everywhere in some parts of the world, our own sexually-charged culture has fanned the flames of an ugly epidemic right here in America.
-Just because some sins run rampant within a culture, we cannot assume that ALL within that culture follow suit. All Muslims are not militant any more than all Americans are rapists.
-There are problems within our own contexts with which we need to deal. This involves more than simply showing up to an abortion clinic with protest signs. That accomplishes NOTHING. What we need is more support for those good causes that keep people from falling so far through the cracks that they have nowhere else to turn. It involves supporting Crisis Pregnancy Centers. It involves building relationships with and being a mentor to people who do not have a good example, who may possibly turn to these sins if we sit back and let them.
-Profiling, though supposedly justified by the FBI, has no place within our private lives. We in this country have a problem getting along with people from different backgrounds. It's time we stop doing those things that cause separation and start doing those things that foster understanding.
You see, under normal circumstances, I am extra alert when someone in a crowd makes any sort of bodily contact with me. I see myself as an equal-opportunity kind of guy; I don't trust anyone, no matter what color they are. But something unique about this man made me watch him with heightened suspicion. Maybe it was the turban on his head, or his long beard; perhaps it was his golden skin. Either way, I was confronted with my own depravity.
Our brilliant friends in the media and in Washington have programmed us to view Muslims/Mid-Easterners as prone to violence, creating an internal response that would allow a fair-minded human to watch another with suspicion. It's the same treatment they gave German-Americans during World War I, as well as Japanese-Americans in World War II, even the ones that wanted nothing to do with the conflict.
To those of you who have heard the arguments against Islam, the arguments which caricature a power-hungry, anything-goes militarism, I would say, "Be careful." If you use this argument against them, it will come right back at you. Consider this entirely hypothetical conversation between a white conservative evangelical American and an Arab Muslim from Saudi Arabia:
American: "You people have no value for a human life! How could you take your women and children, and strap a suicide bomb to them?"
Arab: "For the same reasons that you rape yours."
Some points to consider:
-Every culture has its sins. While we hear of bombs going off everywhere in some parts of the world, our own sexually-charged culture has fanned the flames of an ugly epidemic right here in America.
-Just because some sins run rampant within a culture, we cannot assume that ALL within that culture follow suit. All Muslims are not militant any more than all Americans are rapists.
-There are problems within our own contexts with which we need to deal. This involves more than simply showing up to an abortion clinic with protest signs. That accomplishes NOTHING. What we need is more support for those good causes that keep people from falling so far through the cracks that they have nowhere else to turn. It involves supporting Crisis Pregnancy Centers. It involves building relationships with and being a mentor to people who do not have a good example, who may possibly turn to these sins if we sit back and let them.
-Profiling, though supposedly justified by the FBI, has no place within our private lives. We in this country have a problem getting along with people from different backgrounds. It's time we stop doing those things that cause separation and start doing those things that foster understanding.
New Stuff, Etc.
Given the harsh feedback from last week's heresy, it is occurring to me that maybe I'm losing my touch. I mean, I forgot the disclaimer, for crying out loud. The disclaimer!!! So, here you go:
***DISCLAIMER***
The views of this column are not endorsed by the Catholic Church...
not yet, anyway.
*******************
Regarding this page, I rechristened it "danandtiff," added a subtitle, and created some great links. These links represent webpages of friends who have been on this website. If you would like us to add your webpage to our links section, simply leave a comment so that I can copy and paste your URL.
Finally, I would like to say that I have appreciated some of the discussion and feedback that has occurred here, and would encourage everyone to keep it up. Just remember to respect each other's opinions, and be fair when criticizing. I usually do not interfere with anyone's freedom of speech and from now on will not delete comments unless they represent an attack on someone else, or for another reason are deemed out of line. I will continue to delete shameless advertisements for crap.
So what is the criteria for "out of line"?
Just remember:
Dan giveth.
Dan can taketh away...
and Tiff telleth Dan what she wanteth and what she doth wanteth to be ridden of.
***DISCLAIMER***
The views of this column are not endorsed by the Catholic Church...
not yet, anyway.
*******************
Regarding this page, I rechristened it "danandtiff," added a subtitle, and created some great links. These links represent webpages of friends who have been on this website. If you would like us to add your webpage to our links section, simply leave a comment so that I can copy and paste your URL.
Finally, I would like to say that I have appreciated some of the discussion and feedback that has occurred here, and would encourage everyone to keep it up. Just remember to respect each other's opinions, and be fair when criticizing. I usually do not interfere with anyone's freedom of speech and from now on will not delete comments unless they represent an attack on someone else, or for another reason are deemed out of line. I will continue to delete shameless advertisements for crap.
So what is the criteria for "out of line"?
Just remember:
Dan giveth.
Dan can taketh away...
and Tiff telleth Dan what she wanteth and what she doth wanteth to be ridden of.
10.10.2005
Dan's Heresy #2: Fast Mass
Living in this day and age, I cannot help but notice the remarkable pace by which we in this country live our lives. Everything, from food to communication, has developed an expectation of promptness. If it does not get done in a short time, we complain.
I was also doing some thinking about the Church. I have noticed that the Church has not done a tremendous job in staying relevant with this trend. I believe I have come up with a simple solution to this problem. Though I am not Catholic, this solution will best serve the Catholic Church.
What is this solution, you ask? A drive-thru sacrament station! Think about it...it would solve a number of problems. People could get their sacraments done quickly, and it would keep the priests out of much of the trouble they have been getting into!
Here's a hypothetical, though possible scenario:
"Hi, welcome to Fast Mass! Would you like to try any of our combo specials?"
"No thanks, I'll just take one confession and two baptisms."
"Would you like any Eucharist with that?"
"Uh, sure...Give me two."
"Please pull around to the window."
At the window:
"Hi...That will be 10% of your income...would you like to sign up for our direct payment program, so that your tithe could come right out of your account?"
"Um...no thanks."
"All right. Go ahead."
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned [etc.]."
"[sprinkles with Holy Water]...in the name of the Father, Son, etc...
The Body and Blood of Christ. Have a nice day!"
That's right, ladies and gentlemen! Get all the grace you need to get closer to God in less than 10 minutes per week! Maximum results for minimum effort! Can you think of a better way to get people into church?
Rate this heresy:
1 - Safe for the whole family!
2 - Not bad, but I've heard better heresy from Billy Graham
3 - Now THAT's heretical!
4 - Dan, you're going to heck in a handbasket.
5 - I'm going to hell just for reading this
Coming up next time: more solutions to the world's problems
I was also doing some thinking about the Church. I have noticed that the Church has not done a tremendous job in staying relevant with this trend. I believe I have come up with a simple solution to this problem. Though I am not Catholic, this solution will best serve the Catholic Church.
What is this solution, you ask? A drive-thru sacrament station! Think about it...it would solve a number of problems. People could get their sacraments done quickly, and it would keep the priests out of much of the trouble they have been getting into!
Here's a hypothetical, though possible scenario:
"Hi, welcome to Fast Mass! Would you like to try any of our combo specials?"
"No thanks, I'll just take one confession and two baptisms."
"Would you like any Eucharist with that?"
"Uh, sure...Give me two."
"Please pull around to the window."
At the window:
"Hi...That will be 10% of your income...would you like to sign up for our direct payment program, so that your tithe could come right out of your account?"
"Um...no thanks."
"All right. Go ahead."
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned [etc.]."
"[sprinkles with Holy Water]...in the name of the Father, Son, etc...
The Body and Blood of Christ. Have a nice day!"
That's right, ladies and gentlemen! Get all the grace you need to get closer to God in less than 10 minutes per week! Maximum results for minimum effort! Can you think of a better way to get people into church?
Rate this heresy:
1 - Safe for the whole family!
2 - Not bad, but I've heard better heresy from Billy Graham
3 - Now THAT's heretical!
4 - Dan, you're going to heck in a handbasket.
5 - I'm going to hell just for reading this
Coming up next time: more solutions to the world's problems
10.01.2005
Update #2
Just a few short updates, for those of you who still care...
I (Dan) have been busy all week, in a sort of makeshift studio environment. Two friends and I form a trio, calling ourselves Reverie Fading. The name has significance, but I don't have time to get into that now. Most of you are deep enough that you could either figure it out or come up with something that makes sense.
Anyway, we are finishing up an EP project, and are excited about it. It has 5 or 6 songs (one might not make the cut), and we have quite a variety of sound on it. More details will come upon the release of this album, or you can visit geocities.com/reverie_fading.
Those of you in the Ohio area might want to come see us soon. We have one show coming up next Friday (Oct. 7) at the Big Picture (116 E South St., Wooster, OH). It's $10 admission, featuring us alongside Exile, Remnant, Leadway, and Benjamin Payne. Also, the following day, Sat. The 8th, we will be playing a benefit show in Fredericksburg for Habitat. If anyone is interested in more information, let me know.
In other news, I start school soon, love being married, hate politics, and am pulling for the Cleveland Indians (though I still hope St. Louis wins it all). If you want to know more, call us!
Also: Our blog is NOT a free advertisement site. So you people who think it's funny to post these get-rich-quick ads on this blog, you need to pay up!
Coming up next time: I've been feeling a bit tense lately, and I think it's time for another heresy...what about you?
I (Dan) have been busy all week, in a sort of makeshift studio environment. Two friends and I form a trio, calling ourselves Reverie Fading. The name has significance, but I don't have time to get into that now. Most of you are deep enough that you could either figure it out or come up with something that makes sense.
Anyway, we are finishing up an EP project, and are excited about it. It has 5 or 6 songs (one might not make the cut), and we have quite a variety of sound on it. More details will come upon the release of this album, or you can visit geocities.com/reverie_fading.
Those of you in the Ohio area might want to come see us soon. We have one show coming up next Friday (Oct. 7) at the Big Picture (116 E South St., Wooster, OH). It's $10 admission, featuring us alongside Exile, Remnant, Leadway, and Benjamin Payne. Also, the following day, Sat. The 8th, we will be playing a benefit show in Fredericksburg for Habitat. If anyone is interested in more information, let me know.
In other news, I start school soon, love being married, hate politics, and am pulling for the Cleveland Indians (though I still hope St. Louis wins it all). If you want to know more, call us!
Also: Our blog is NOT a free advertisement site. So you people who think it's funny to post these get-rich-quick ads on this blog, you need to pay up!
Coming up next time: I've been feeling a bit tense lately, and I think it's time for another heresy...what about you?
9.23.2005
Ohio Driver's Ed
For those who had not heard, we currently live in Ohio. Should you ever decide to come visit us, we would absolutely love it! However, any time you drive through Ohio, there are a few things you must understand for your own safety.
Now, I did not grow up in Ohio, but I have been here long enough to conclude that Ohioans (or however you describe those characterized by living in this wonderful place) read an entirely different driver's education curriculum than the rest of us. Though I cannot presume to know what was in that book, I have been able to find out, based on people's behavior, what exactly that book said. So, if you ever drive in, to, or through Ohio, the following will be extremely helpful to you:
1. Green lights do not actually mean "go." They mean "yield." If you approach an intersection with a green light, make sure to look both ways before proceeding. If you are sitting at an intersection and the light turns green, count to 9 before even letting your foot off the brake.
2. If you see a pedestrian crossing ahead of you, make sure to speed up so that he/she knows to get across the street soon.
3. In winter, beware of ice. In spring, beware of potholes. In late summer, still beware of potholes, as our state did not budget anything to fix them. Yes, we know this is important, but clearly not as important as Governor Taft's money scandals. Don't worry, however, because our fine governor has vowed to stay in office.
4. Talking on a cell phone while driving requires great skill. Be sure to practice this as much as possible until you master this skill.
5. The speed limit is crucial to follow; you must go at least this fast. If someone in front of you is not going as fast as you need, follow them as closely as possible. Especially if you get a chance to pass them, you must remain very close behind them to adequately express your disapproval.
6. If you choose to ignore the previous rule and pass a slow driver, be aware that they will return the favor by getting close to your rear bumper. When this happens, slam on the brakes and be ready to collect a huge insurance check.
7. If, for some reason, you find a police car behind you, hit the accelerator and force them to chase you. Do not worry about who or what might be in your way, or the fact that you are operating a 2000 pound death machine. Should you cause an accident in the process, you can blame the police for chasing you and forcing you to drive so fast. This argument, though possibly not strong in a courtroom, will gain you sympathy and make you a hero in the media.
Well, kids, that should be enough to get you on the streets for now. We are currently working on a new edition of our program, containing such advanced concepts as merging, changing lanes, and letting other vehicles onto a highway. Until then, do not worry about these.
Remember, kids:
If you drink and drive in Ohio, YOU LOSE...
But when you find a good lawyer, YOU WIN.
Now, I did not grow up in Ohio, but I have been here long enough to conclude that Ohioans (or however you describe those characterized by living in this wonderful place) read an entirely different driver's education curriculum than the rest of us. Though I cannot presume to know what was in that book, I have been able to find out, based on people's behavior, what exactly that book said. So, if you ever drive in, to, or through Ohio, the following will be extremely helpful to you:
1. Green lights do not actually mean "go." They mean "yield." If you approach an intersection with a green light, make sure to look both ways before proceeding. If you are sitting at an intersection and the light turns green, count to 9 before even letting your foot off the brake.
2. If you see a pedestrian crossing ahead of you, make sure to speed up so that he/she knows to get across the street soon.
3. In winter, beware of ice. In spring, beware of potholes. In late summer, still beware of potholes, as our state did not budget anything to fix them. Yes, we know this is important, but clearly not as important as Governor Taft's money scandals. Don't worry, however, because our fine governor has vowed to stay in office.
4. Talking on a cell phone while driving requires great skill. Be sure to practice this as much as possible until you master this skill.
5. The speed limit is crucial to follow; you must go at least this fast. If someone in front of you is not going as fast as you need, follow them as closely as possible. Especially if you get a chance to pass them, you must remain very close behind them to adequately express your disapproval.
6. If you choose to ignore the previous rule and pass a slow driver, be aware that they will return the favor by getting close to your rear bumper. When this happens, slam on the brakes and be ready to collect a huge insurance check.
7. If, for some reason, you find a police car behind you, hit the accelerator and force them to chase you. Do not worry about who or what might be in your way, or the fact that you are operating a 2000 pound death machine. Should you cause an accident in the process, you can blame the police for chasing you and forcing you to drive so fast. This argument, though possibly not strong in a courtroom, will gain you sympathy and make you a hero in the media.
Well, kids, that should be enough to get you on the streets for now. We are currently working on a new edition of our program, containing such advanced concepts as merging, changing lanes, and letting other vehicles onto a highway. Until then, do not worry about these.
Remember, kids:
If you drink and drive in Ohio, YOU LOSE...
But when you find a good lawyer, YOU WIN.
9.16.2005
"Things That Bother Me" by Dan
If Pat Robertson never opened his mouth again, I would be an extremely happy man.
What this guy represents is a fading minority of believers who somehow think they have the right to speak for God. I'm not even talking about people who take what God already said and give it their own interpretation, as the people who think the whole book of Revelation is an end time prophecy, soon to come true (which could be a whole different blog). I'm referring to those who put words in God's mouth that He did not even say.
A great example of this is those "God" billboards that seem to pop up everywhere. My personal favorite is, "What part of 'Thou shalt not' don't you understand?" Based on the tone of this statement, we might as well finish it: "What part of 'Thou shalt not' don't you understand, you stupid dumbass?!" I could be wrong, but I do not believe God would ever say anything like that to anyone; yet the genius who created this somehow saw fit to attribute this quote to none other than God Himself.
But what really gets under my skin is when people like Pat Robertson take current events and interpret them through a deterministic lense--basically, God causes everything. When the buildings when down on 9/11, Robertson came out and said that God is judging us because of all the homosexuals in our country. In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, many of Robertson's disciples are saying that the hurricane ravaged New Orleans because of the sin that exists down there.
Maybe I am ignorant, or maybe I do not know God like I thought I did. However, if you contend that New Orleans got what was coming to them, you have to also say that the priests, nuns, and other God-fearers in the surrounding parishes were not living right. From there, you must defend the argument that those folks in the Bible belt in Mississippi deserved what they got.
Can you make sense of this logic? I certainly cannot. It is time for people to stop using God to advance their own personal, political, or other agendas and start figuring out how they fit into God's agenda. It is time for people to stop rejoicing at others' supposed judgment, and start realizing that we are all imperfect, unworthy of anything good. And it is time for people to stop putting words that God never said in His mouth, and start listening to what He already said.
If we pay close attention, we might hear Him say, "I was hungry and you gave me food; I was thirsty and you gave me drink. I was a stranger and you welcomed me; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you visited me; I was in prison and you came to me...as you did to one of the least of these you did to me" (Matt. 25:35-36, 40). "Wait a minute...do you actually mean helping out those victims of the hurricane, as wicked and evil as they are, would be the same as helping Christ?!" I don't want to put words in God's mouth, but I think this is what He is trying to say.
Let those of us who represent God represent Him for who He really is, so that people may come to know who He really is. Then, maybe Pat Robertson can stop talking, so that Jesus Christ can actually be heard.
What this guy represents is a fading minority of believers who somehow think they have the right to speak for God. I'm not even talking about people who take what God already said and give it their own interpretation, as the people who think the whole book of Revelation is an end time prophecy, soon to come true (which could be a whole different blog). I'm referring to those who put words in God's mouth that He did not even say.
A great example of this is those "God" billboards that seem to pop up everywhere. My personal favorite is, "What part of 'Thou shalt not' don't you understand?" Based on the tone of this statement, we might as well finish it: "What part of 'Thou shalt not' don't you understand, you stupid dumbass?!" I could be wrong, but I do not believe God would ever say anything like that to anyone; yet the genius who created this somehow saw fit to attribute this quote to none other than God Himself.
But what really gets under my skin is when people like Pat Robertson take current events and interpret them through a deterministic lense--basically, God causes everything. When the buildings when down on 9/11, Robertson came out and said that God is judging us because of all the homosexuals in our country. In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, many of Robertson's disciples are saying that the hurricane ravaged New Orleans because of the sin that exists down there.
Maybe I am ignorant, or maybe I do not know God like I thought I did. However, if you contend that New Orleans got what was coming to them, you have to also say that the priests, nuns, and other God-fearers in the surrounding parishes were not living right. From there, you must defend the argument that those folks in the Bible belt in Mississippi deserved what they got.
Can you make sense of this logic? I certainly cannot. It is time for people to stop using God to advance their own personal, political, or other agendas and start figuring out how they fit into God's agenda. It is time for people to stop rejoicing at others' supposed judgment, and start realizing that we are all imperfect, unworthy of anything good. And it is time for people to stop putting words that God never said in His mouth, and start listening to what He already said.
If we pay close attention, we might hear Him say, "I was hungry and you gave me food; I was thirsty and you gave me drink. I was a stranger and you welcomed me; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you visited me; I was in prison and you came to me...as you did to one of the least of these you did to me" (Matt. 25:35-36, 40). "Wait a minute...do you actually mean helping out those victims of the hurricane, as wicked and evil as they are, would be the same as helping Christ?!" I don't want to put words in God's mouth, but I think this is what He is trying to say.
Let those of us who represent God represent Him for who He really is, so that people may come to know who He really is. Then, maybe Pat Robertson can stop talking, so that Jesus Christ can actually be heard.
4.11.2005
"Update #1: Worship-Teque" by Dan
Sunday marked a significant day in my career as a worship leader. For the first time ever, as far as I know, techno music was used in worship. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, techno. The song was "How Firm a Foundation." "But wait a second! You can't use techno in church!" Why not? "You just don't!!!" Hold on, here, did they not say the same thing when we brought in Rock and Roll? "Well that was different!"
Most of the feedback I received from this stunt was positive, although I am sure not everyone loved it. I believe that for most people, it simply caught them so much by surprise that they did not know what to think. It is probably safe to bet that the old lady sitting in the third row did not enjoy the experience; but she hates my music anyway, and loves me as a person, which is all perfectly fine with me.
In other news, concerning this blog, I will try to be consistent and post something new every Monday. Whether it be an update, a deep thought, a devotion, or a heresy will all depend on how I am feeling that week (but don't worry, there will be plenty of variety). For those of who who may be wondering when the next heresy will arrive, I will aim for once every four weeks (though some would argue that it's heresy every time I open my mouth). For those of you wondering if last week's heresy got me in trouble with Tiffany, the answer is, "Yes, dear!"
Most of the feedback I received from this stunt was positive, although I am sure not everyone loved it. I believe that for most people, it simply caught them so much by surprise that they did not know what to think. It is probably safe to bet that the old lady sitting in the third row did not enjoy the experience; but she hates my music anyway, and loves me as a person, which is all perfectly fine with me.
In other news, concerning this blog, I will try to be consistent and post something new every Monday. Whether it be an update, a deep thought, a devotion, or a heresy will all depend on how I am feeling that week (but don't worry, there will be plenty of variety). For those of who who may be wondering when the next heresy will arrive, I will aim for once every four weeks (though some would argue that it's heresy every time I open my mouth). For those of you wondering if last week's heresy got me in trouble with Tiffany, the answer is, "Yes, dear!"
4.07.2005
Dan's Heresy #1: What REALLY Happened in the Garden
Most of us are familiar with the Garden of Eden story. The serpent tempted Eve, Eve took the fruit, Eve gave it to Adam, and God kicked them out. However, as I researched the topic, I have made a breakthrough discovery.
I made this profound discovery while eating with Tiffany while we were just dating. Though she had not finished her food, she said that she could not eat any more. She then offered it to me. As I took it and ate, I felt an incredible sense of fulfilled existence. I felt that I was performing my manly duty by finishing the food that my woman could not.
As I realized my purpose, it occured to me that the same scenario had played out in the Garden. It does not make sense that Eve would say, "Hey Adam, take a bite of this FORBIDDEN fruit that God told us not to eat!" No, rather, I believe that what happened was that Eve was tempted, ate the fruit, and then said, "Adam, I'm full! Can you finish this apple for me?" Adam, not realizing the mess he was about to get all humanity into, simply behaved in accordance to how God had created him.
The rest, as they say, is history. Ever since then, humanity has been in a huge mess. Men have never ceased to be simple creatures who have a fascination with eating, and women have never ceased to...well, never mind.
I made this profound discovery while eating with Tiffany while we were just dating. Though she had not finished her food, she said that she could not eat any more. She then offered it to me. As I took it and ate, I felt an incredible sense of fulfilled existence. I felt that I was performing my manly duty by finishing the food that my woman could not.
As I realized my purpose, it occured to me that the same scenario had played out in the Garden. It does not make sense that Eve would say, "Hey Adam, take a bite of this FORBIDDEN fruit that God told us not to eat!" No, rather, I believe that what happened was that Eve was tempted, ate the fruit, and then said, "Adam, I'm full! Can you finish this apple for me?" Adam, not realizing the mess he was about to get all humanity into, simply behaved in accordance to how God had created him.
The rest, as they say, is history. Ever since then, humanity has been in a huge mess. Men have never ceased to be simple creatures who have a fascination with eating, and women have never ceased to...well, never mind.
****************************DISCLAIMER***************************
The views represented in this column are not endorsed by blogger.com, Ashland Theological Seminary, bible scholars anywhere, the Catholic Church, most Protestants, the ACLU, women, Tiffany, Dan's friends, God, or even Dan.
3.28.2005
Jesus has risen…But why can’t I see?
Have you ever experienced a crisis of faith (assuming you had faith in the first place)?
Maybe there was a time that you looked at yourself in the mirror and said, “How long are you going to believe this stuff? God sending His Son to earth, so that He can die and then come back to life, so that we can live forever?"
If this has happened to you, welcome to my world. It happens frequently to me. As a matter of fact (and allow me to be vulnerable here), one of my worst fears is that when I die and pass into the next world, I’ll go toward the light and say, “Jesus?!” only to be greeted by, “No, not Jesus. I’m Buddha!”
Seriously, though, I feel I know far too much for my own good. Scripture seems to contradict itself in a number of places. A council of humans decided which books would compose the Bible, hundreds of years after the books were written. Countless wars were started in the name of Christ, with Christians attacking Muslims, Catholics attacking Protestants, and Protestants attacking Catholics. All these things pose a realistic challenge to the faith I had as a child.
I have come to realize that I have not been alone in having doubts that Jesus rose from the dead. In fact, one of His own followers, Thomas, when told what had happened, skeptically remarked, “Unless I can see Him and touch Him, I will not believe.” This man, who was surrounded by eyewitness testimony, had so much trouble being convinced that the impossible had happened.
Soon, Jesus appeared to Thomas and said some of the most comforting words I have found in Scripture: “Blessed are those who have not seen, and still believe.” Those words summarize one of my deepest hopes—that someday I will see Him, and He will call me “Blessed,” because I believed something that makes absolutely no sense to me, outside the fact that everyone needs something to believe in.
So if you were to ask me if there is life after this one, I would tell you, “I don’t know.” I don’t know who gets to go to heaven and who does not. I don’t know how the world was made. I don’t even know if there is a God. I don’t know…but I believe.
Next week: Dan's Heresy #1: What really happened in the Garden of Eden!
Maybe there was a time that you looked at yourself in the mirror and said, “How long are you going to believe this stuff? God sending His Son to earth, so that He can die and then come back to life, so that we can live forever?"
If this has happened to you, welcome to my world. It happens frequently to me. As a matter of fact (and allow me to be vulnerable here), one of my worst fears is that when I die and pass into the next world, I’ll go toward the light and say, “Jesus?!” only to be greeted by, “No, not Jesus. I’m Buddha!”
Seriously, though, I feel I know far too much for my own good. Scripture seems to contradict itself in a number of places. A council of humans decided which books would compose the Bible, hundreds of years after the books were written. Countless wars were started in the name of Christ, with Christians attacking Muslims, Catholics attacking Protestants, and Protestants attacking Catholics. All these things pose a realistic challenge to the faith I had as a child.
I have come to realize that I have not been alone in having doubts that Jesus rose from the dead. In fact, one of His own followers, Thomas, when told what had happened, skeptically remarked, “Unless I can see Him and touch Him, I will not believe.” This man, who was surrounded by eyewitness testimony, had so much trouble being convinced that the impossible had happened.
Soon, Jesus appeared to Thomas and said some of the most comforting words I have found in Scripture: “Blessed are those who have not seen, and still believe.” Those words summarize one of my deepest hopes—that someday I will see Him, and He will call me “Blessed,” because I believed something that makes absolutely no sense to me, outside the fact that everyone needs something to believe in.
So if you were to ask me if there is life after this one, I would tell you, “I don’t know.” I don’t know who gets to go to heaven and who does not. I don’t know how the world was made. I don’t even know if there is a God. I don’t know…but I believe.
Next week: Dan's Heresy #1: What really happened in the Garden of Eden!
3.21.2005
"A Season of Hope" by Dan
One particular trend I have noticed is the segment of society to which faith seems irrelevant. Within circles lacking solid economic or emotional stability, Christianity has not been well-represented. People within these contexts usually have trouble reconciling God’s goodness to the everyday problems which they cannot get past.
Unfortunately, Scripture never gives a comforting answer to the question, “How could a loving God allow this much evil?” If you so desire, you can explain it away by saying that we all sinned, and because sin is in the world, humanity must reap the consequences of this sin, even if it is not personally deserved. If you say this, you may be telling the truth, but you will never hear anyone respond, “Oh, I get it. I guess I’ll convert to Christianity now!”
Thanks to what Jesus has done, what Easter means to us, we can find comfort in the midst of this tragedy called life. Several feel that Christianity is good in theory, but in practice only works for segments of society which seem to be free from incredible pain. Hence, Christianity is seen as an upper-class, “white man’s” religion. However, I would like to point out that faith in Christ, in its pure sense, has the greatest promises for those who have nothing in which to place their hope.
Back in Jesus’ day, the people had plenty of expectations for Him. They expected Him to be a King, a ruler, someone to overthrow the government. They expected Him to give them power as a sovereign nation. They expected Him to heal them from sickness, and to entertain them with all His magic tricks. They expected everything from Him—everything, that is, except for Him to deliver them from their biggest problem.
As the Son of God, Jesus could have stayed comfortable and continued to reap all the benefits of being God. Instead, He chose to empty Himself of that status and become one of us. For all the people praying, “God, save me from this mess,” instead of taking the chaos out of their lives, He entered into the chaos and walked with them. Instead of simply removing the dirt from the world, He came down and washed the dirt off people’s feet. Instead of holding onto the fellowship He had with His Father since eternity, He chose to feel the pain of His people’s separation from the Father when He said, “MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!?” Instead of simply removing sadness, disease, pain, and violence from the world, He subjected Himself to these elements. And, instead of preventing His people from dying, He Himself died the most horrific death, and then came back to prove that He was sovereign over even death.
This is what the Gospel, as well as Easter, is all about. For those who spend their existence wondering how a good God could allow His creation to go awry, He reaches down and gently says, “I know it is difficult to understand, and I cannot just make it go away. But I know exactly how it feels to hurt and wonder where God is. I understand what you are going through, and I am here for you. I will never leave you. I realize you are sad, but take courage; I have overcome. I have overcome the world. I have overcome the sadness, disease, and violence that make your life miserable. Most of all, I have overcome your deepest fear, death. I have overcome anything and everything that could possibly keep you from being with your Father. This is how much I love you.”
This is the Gospel, the “good news.” Jesus does not do what we often expect, and He does what we often do not expect. He allows the pain to stay in the world, but promises that no pain can ultimately destroy us. Instead of taking evil away, He redeems us from it. This season, celebrate this good news; and if you or a loved one has lost hope, may this good news be a rescuing hope.
*For further reading, see Mark 15:34; John 1:14;6:14-15, 26-55; 13;1-20; 16:16-22, 33; 1 Corinthians 15:20-29, 55-57; Philippians 2:5-11.
Unfortunately, Scripture never gives a comforting answer to the question, “How could a loving God allow this much evil?” If you so desire, you can explain it away by saying that we all sinned, and because sin is in the world, humanity must reap the consequences of this sin, even if it is not personally deserved. If you say this, you may be telling the truth, but you will never hear anyone respond, “Oh, I get it. I guess I’ll convert to Christianity now!”
Thanks to what Jesus has done, what Easter means to us, we can find comfort in the midst of this tragedy called life. Several feel that Christianity is good in theory, but in practice only works for segments of society which seem to be free from incredible pain. Hence, Christianity is seen as an upper-class, “white man’s” religion. However, I would like to point out that faith in Christ, in its pure sense, has the greatest promises for those who have nothing in which to place their hope.
Back in Jesus’ day, the people had plenty of expectations for Him. They expected Him to be a King, a ruler, someone to overthrow the government. They expected Him to give them power as a sovereign nation. They expected Him to heal them from sickness, and to entertain them with all His magic tricks. They expected everything from Him—everything, that is, except for Him to deliver them from their biggest problem.
As the Son of God, Jesus could have stayed comfortable and continued to reap all the benefits of being God. Instead, He chose to empty Himself of that status and become one of us. For all the people praying, “God, save me from this mess,” instead of taking the chaos out of their lives, He entered into the chaos and walked with them. Instead of simply removing the dirt from the world, He came down and washed the dirt off people’s feet. Instead of holding onto the fellowship He had with His Father since eternity, He chose to feel the pain of His people’s separation from the Father when He said, “MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!?” Instead of simply removing sadness, disease, pain, and violence from the world, He subjected Himself to these elements. And, instead of preventing His people from dying, He Himself died the most horrific death, and then came back to prove that He was sovereign over even death.
This is what the Gospel, as well as Easter, is all about. For those who spend their existence wondering how a good God could allow His creation to go awry, He reaches down and gently says, “I know it is difficult to understand, and I cannot just make it go away. But I know exactly how it feels to hurt and wonder where God is. I understand what you are going through, and I am here for you. I will never leave you. I realize you are sad, but take courage; I have overcome. I have overcome the world. I have overcome the sadness, disease, and violence that make your life miserable. Most of all, I have overcome your deepest fear, death. I have overcome anything and everything that could possibly keep you from being with your Father. This is how much I love you.”
This is the Gospel, the “good news.” Jesus does not do what we often expect, and He does what we often do not expect. He allows the pain to stay in the world, but promises that no pain can ultimately destroy us. Instead of taking evil away, He redeems us from it. This season, celebrate this good news; and if you or a loved one has lost hope, may this good news be a rescuing hope.
*For further reading, see Mark 15:34; John 1:14;6:14-15, 26-55; 13;1-20; 16:16-22, 33; 1 Corinthians 15:20-29, 55-57; Philippians 2:5-11.
3.14.2005
Intro
Welcome, friends, family, strangers, and anyone else who has nothing better to do than surf the web and look at people's blogs! You have reached the blog of Dan and Tiffany Harrison. This page will contain a running history of our lives, as well as an open look into the minds of Dan and Tiff. This material is unrated, uncut, and unprecedented. Proceed at your own risk (that is, as soon as we get other material posted on here!). Enjoy!!!
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