Dan's Heresy #2: Fast Mass

Living in this day and age, I cannot help but notice the remarkable pace by which we in this country live our lives. Everything, from food to communication, has developed an expectation of promptness. If it does not get done in a short time, we complain.

I was also doing some thinking about the Church. I have noticed that the Church has not done a tremendous job in staying relevant with this trend. I believe I have come up with a simple solution to this problem. Though I am not Catholic, this solution will best serve the Catholic Church.

What is this solution, you ask? A drive-thru sacrament station! Think about it...it would solve a number of problems. People could get their sacraments done quickly, and it would keep the priests out of much of the trouble they have been getting into!

Here's a hypothetical, though possible scenario:

"Hi, welcome to Fast Mass! Would you like to try any of our combo specials?"
"No thanks, I'll just take one confession and two baptisms."
"Would you like any Eucharist with that?"
"Uh, sure...Give me two."
"Please pull around to the window."

At the window:
"Hi...That will be 10% of your income...would you like to sign up for our direct payment program, so that your tithe could come right out of your account?"
"Um...no thanks."
"All right. Go ahead."
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned [etc.]."
"[sprinkles with Holy Water]...in the name of the Father, Son, etc...
The Body and Blood of Christ. Have a nice day!"

That's right, ladies and gentlemen! Get all the grace you need to get closer to God in less than 10 minutes per week! Maximum results for minimum effort! Can you think of a better way to get people into church?


Rate this heresy:

1 - Safe for the whole family!
2 - Not bad, but I've heard better heresy from Billy Graham
3 - Now THAT's heretical!
4 - Dan, you're going to heck in a handbasket.
5 - I'm going to hell just for reading this

Coming up next time: more solutions to the world's problems