The Color of Christmas

During this special time of year, we are frequently graced by the croonings of Bing Crosby singing his signature hit. And every time I hear it, I am inspired to throw objects at the radio.

In case you are still wondering, Crosby's song is "White Christmas." Now, I know many of you are probably thinking something like, "How can you be so against a white Christmas? Where's your sense of Christmas sentiment?"

First, allow me to point out that most of the world's population lives where it is not cold enough to be snowing on Christmas Day. Therefore, "White Christmas" is simply a North American and European fantasy. Unless, of course, you're dreaming of a calamity similar to the one on "Day after Tomorrow," in which case you have bigger problems than overzealous sentimentalism.

Snow make look pretty on the trees, but practically speaking, it has no use for me. I mean, on days that it's snowing outside, I have to crank up the heat in our little apartment. With the rising heating costs imminent, I could be looking at serious financial hurting. What kind of Christmas spirit would wish that on anyone? I mean, it's like saying, "I'm dreaming of a heating bill that forces me to sell my car just to stay warm another month..."

Finally, to those who wish this white blanket of misery on the rest of us, I say move up here to the snowbelt. We'll see how much you still like it when the forcast typically goes something like, "Well, there's a 15% chance that the sun might come out today!"

I have a different picture of my ideal Christmas. I would like to offer the world a new song, sung to the familiar tune. I have a vision of young and old, black and white, male and female, all standing together, holding hands, and singing these words:

GREEN CHRISTMAS

I'm dreaming of a green Christmas
Just like the ones in Mexico [pronounced Me-hee-koh]
Where the ocean glistens
And children listen
To sounds of "Hola, Amigo!"

I'm dreaming of a green Christmas
And I hope all the roads stay clean.
May your meals be hearty and lean;
And may all your Christmases be GREEN!!!

All bitter farcity aside, though, whether you prefer it cold or warm, I would simply like to wish you a Happy Holidays, a Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah, or simply a Nice Day...depending on whatever offends you the least.

P.S. For a little heretical fun this Christmas, sing the song "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"...only everywhere "Santa Claus" is supposed to be sung, insert "Jesus Christ." Though it will make terrible theology, it will certainly paint an eschatological picture that is [almost quite literally] funny as hell!

A Christmas Irony

I want to explore something that is a bit ironic to me. Before I do so, allow me to set the stage.

You see, here in America, every year about this time, people begin to celebrate a certain legend whose arrival is commemorated at Christmas. Every year, we drag out stone images of him and set them on our tables; each holiday season, we sing songs celebrating his arrival. We pass along the story of his advent to each generation. Within these songs and stories is portrayed a man seeming human but with divine qualities. He possesses a certain omniscience and omnipresence, knowing when we lie down and when we arise. We are encouraged to believe in him, even though we have not seen. We are told to make supplication to him, for he is able to answer if we but ask. And, his imminent return to our dwelling is celebrated.

By now, I am sure you have all figured out who this Christmas legend is...Santa Claus! Yes, I know, you could say the same about Jesus Christ, but we'll deal with Him in a later article.

The irony began for me when I was a child, young enough to have the faith of a child, but in some ways too smart for my own good. It was one Christmas that this faith began to face significant questioning. The conclusions to which I then arrived were astounding.

You see, I began to wonder how one human being could possibly visit all children in the world in one night...even if he did have flying reindeer. I concluded that, given the surface area of the world's land mass, divided by the velocity of deer at top speed, it would take years to cover that much real estate. Therefore, either one of two things could be possible: either there is no Santa Claus, the ontological shock of which would have had been unbearable for my fragile mind; or...of course! He DOESN'T actually visit every child on earth!

Consider this: Jews and Muslims do not celebrate the birth of Christ. To Jews, He was merely a man with a following; Muslims respect Him, but not enough to give each other presents on His birthday. As a result, Jews and Muslims do not celebrate Christmas. Therefore, Santa does not stop at the houses of Jewish and Muslim children.

When I reached this conclusion, I was appalled! What are all the children going to think when they learn that Santa Claus, this icon of goodwill and charity, discriminates against certain faiths and cultures!?! Santa Claus is a RACIST BIGOT!

So now, you know the irony of Christmas: The only groups of people whom Santa visits are Christians and atheists.