For those who had not heard, we currently live in Ohio. Should you ever decide to come visit us, we would absolutely love it! However, any time you drive through Ohio, there are a few things you must understand for your own safety.
Now, I did not grow up in Ohio, but I have been here long enough to conclude that Ohioans (or however you describe those characterized by living in this wonderful place) read an entirely different driver's education curriculum than the rest of us. Though I cannot presume to know what was in that book, I have been able to find out, based on people's behavior, what exactly that book said. So, if you ever drive in, to, or through Ohio, the following will be extremely helpful to you:
1. Green lights do not actually mean "go." They mean "yield." If you approach an intersection with a green light, make sure to look both ways before proceeding. If you are sitting at an intersection and the light turns green, count to 9 before even letting your foot off the brake.
2. If you see a pedestrian crossing ahead of you, make sure to speed up so that he/she knows to get across the street soon.
3. In winter, beware of ice. In spring, beware of potholes. In late summer, still beware of potholes, as our state did not budget anything to fix them. Yes, we know this is important, but clearly not as important as Governor Taft's money scandals. Don't worry, however, because our fine governor has vowed to stay in office.
4. Talking on a cell phone while driving requires great skill. Be sure to practice this as much as possible until you master this skill.
5. The speed limit is crucial to follow; you must go at least this fast. If someone in front of you is not going as fast as you need, follow them as closely as possible. Especially if you get a chance to pass them, you must remain very close behind them to adequately express your disapproval.
6. If you choose to ignore the previous rule and pass a slow driver, be aware that they will return the favor by getting close to your rear bumper. When this happens, slam on the brakes and be ready to collect a huge insurance check.
7. If, for some reason, you find a police car behind you, hit the accelerator and force them to chase you. Do not worry about who or what might be in your way, or the fact that you are operating a 2000 pound death machine. Should you cause an accident in the process, you can blame the police for chasing you and forcing you to drive so fast. This argument, though possibly not strong in a courtroom, will gain you sympathy and make you a hero in the media.
Well, kids, that should be enough to get you on the streets for now. We are currently working on a new edition of our program, containing such advanced concepts as merging, changing lanes, and letting other vehicles onto a highway. Until then, do not worry about these.
Remember, kids:
If you drink and drive in Ohio, YOU LOSE...
But when you find a good lawyer, YOU WIN.
4 comments:
Dan,
Your posting is severely lacking in thought. You forgot to mention some of the most important traffic rules in Ohio! There is a requirement to enjoy killing the Amish (and their horses). Every highway must have at least one burning vehicle per 20 mile stretch. Semi drivers who are being chased by cops are not permitted to exceed 30 mph (the cops have no clue how to stop semis and they can be easily eluded at slow speeds). Road kill IS a food group in of itself; so, drivers are supposed to collect anything that they kill and serve it for dinner (the stuff that you normally see splattered all over the pavement is typically from out-of-staters). A car will indeed fit through a drive-through window. When a driver approaches a police cruiser on the highway he/she must slam on the breaks and decelerate to no more than 15 mph below the speed limit. Drivers are permitted to back up exit ramps.
There really are red lights in Youngstown, Ohio where drivers are legally permitted to not stop (or even slow down). If you are turning left then you must stop. Going straight or to the right you can just plow right through the intersection.
I think that you should go to the Make Money Now website and earn over $800 a month. Sounds like a sure thing to me.
--Voice #172
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Ladies and gentlemen, we have now been introduced to Mr. B., a new fixture to danandtiff. While I may cross the line from time to time, he regularly takes a flying leap!
You deleted my post you bitch!
--Snowball II
P.S.--"Bitch" refers to Dan, not Tiff. Tiff rocks!
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