For those who had not heard, we currently live in Ohio. Should you ever decide to come visit us, we would absolutely love it! However, any time you drive through Ohio, there are a few things you must understand for your own safety.
Now, I did not grow up in Ohio, but I have been here long enough to conclude that Ohioans (or however you describe those characterized by living in this wonderful place) read an entirely different driver's education curriculum than the rest of us. Though I cannot presume to know what was in that book, I have been able to find out, based on people's behavior, what exactly that book said. So, if you ever drive in, to, or through Ohio, the following will be extremely helpful to you:
1. Green lights do not actually mean "go." They mean "yield." If you approach an intersection with a green light, make sure to look both ways before proceeding. If you are sitting at an intersection and the light turns green, count to 9 before even letting your foot off the brake.
2. If you see a pedestrian crossing ahead of you, make sure to speed up so that he/she knows to get across the street soon.
3. In winter, beware of ice. In spring, beware of potholes. In late summer, still beware of potholes, as our state did not budget anything to fix them. Yes, we know this is important, but clearly not as important as Governor Taft's money scandals. Don't worry, however, because our fine governor has vowed to stay in office.
4. Talking on a cell phone while driving requires great skill. Be sure to practice this as much as possible until you master this skill.
5. The speed limit is crucial to follow; you must go at least this fast. If someone in front of you is not going as fast as you need, follow them as closely as possible. Especially if you get a chance to pass them, you must remain very close behind them to adequately express your disapproval.
6. If you choose to ignore the previous rule and pass a slow driver, be aware that they will return the favor by getting close to your rear bumper. When this happens, slam on the brakes and be ready to collect a huge insurance check.
7. If, for some reason, you find a police car behind you, hit the accelerator and force them to chase you. Do not worry about who or what might be in your way, or the fact that you are operating a 2000 pound death machine. Should you cause an accident in the process, you can blame the police for chasing you and forcing you to drive so fast. This argument, though possibly not strong in a courtroom, will gain you sympathy and make you a hero in the media.
Well, kids, that should be enough to get you on the streets for now. We are currently working on a new edition of our program, containing such advanced concepts as merging, changing lanes, and letting other vehicles onto a highway. Until then, do not worry about these.
Remember, kids:
If you drink and drive in Ohio, YOU LOSE...
But when you find a good lawyer, YOU WIN.
9.23.2005
9.16.2005
"Things That Bother Me" by Dan
If Pat Robertson never opened his mouth again, I would be an extremely happy man.
What this guy represents is a fading minority of believers who somehow think they have the right to speak for God. I'm not even talking about people who take what God already said and give it their own interpretation, as the people who think the whole book of Revelation is an end time prophecy, soon to come true (which could be a whole different blog). I'm referring to those who put words in God's mouth that He did not even say.
A great example of this is those "God" billboards that seem to pop up everywhere. My personal favorite is, "What part of 'Thou shalt not' don't you understand?" Based on the tone of this statement, we might as well finish it: "What part of 'Thou shalt not' don't you understand, you stupid dumbass?!" I could be wrong, but I do not believe God would ever say anything like that to anyone; yet the genius who created this somehow saw fit to attribute this quote to none other than God Himself.
But what really gets under my skin is when people like Pat Robertson take current events and interpret them through a deterministic lense--basically, God causes everything. When the buildings when down on 9/11, Robertson came out and said that God is judging us because of all the homosexuals in our country. In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, many of Robertson's disciples are saying that the hurricane ravaged New Orleans because of the sin that exists down there.
Maybe I am ignorant, or maybe I do not know God like I thought I did. However, if you contend that New Orleans got what was coming to them, you have to also say that the priests, nuns, and other God-fearers in the surrounding parishes were not living right. From there, you must defend the argument that those folks in the Bible belt in Mississippi deserved what they got.
Can you make sense of this logic? I certainly cannot. It is time for people to stop using God to advance their own personal, political, or other agendas and start figuring out how they fit into God's agenda. It is time for people to stop rejoicing at others' supposed judgment, and start realizing that we are all imperfect, unworthy of anything good. And it is time for people to stop putting words that God never said in His mouth, and start listening to what He already said.
If we pay close attention, we might hear Him say, "I was hungry and you gave me food; I was thirsty and you gave me drink. I was a stranger and you welcomed me; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you visited me; I was in prison and you came to me...as you did to one of the least of these you did to me" (Matt. 25:35-36, 40). "Wait a minute...do you actually mean helping out those victims of the hurricane, as wicked and evil as they are, would be the same as helping Christ?!" I don't want to put words in God's mouth, but I think this is what He is trying to say.
Let those of us who represent God represent Him for who He really is, so that people may come to know who He really is. Then, maybe Pat Robertson can stop talking, so that Jesus Christ can actually be heard.
What this guy represents is a fading minority of believers who somehow think they have the right to speak for God. I'm not even talking about people who take what God already said and give it their own interpretation, as the people who think the whole book of Revelation is an end time prophecy, soon to come true (which could be a whole different blog). I'm referring to those who put words in God's mouth that He did not even say.
A great example of this is those "God" billboards that seem to pop up everywhere. My personal favorite is, "What part of 'Thou shalt not' don't you understand?" Based on the tone of this statement, we might as well finish it: "What part of 'Thou shalt not' don't you understand, you stupid dumbass?!" I could be wrong, but I do not believe God would ever say anything like that to anyone; yet the genius who created this somehow saw fit to attribute this quote to none other than God Himself.
But what really gets under my skin is when people like Pat Robertson take current events and interpret them through a deterministic lense--basically, God causes everything. When the buildings when down on 9/11, Robertson came out and said that God is judging us because of all the homosexuals in our country. In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, many of Robertson's disciples are saying that the hurricane ravaged New Orleans because of the sin that exists down there.
Maybe I am ignorant, or maybe I do not know God like I thought I did. However, if you contend that New Orleans got what was coming to them, you have to also say that the priests, nuns, and other God-fearers in the surrounding parishes were not living right. From there, you must defend the argument that those folks in the Bible belt in Mississippi deserved what they got.
Can you make sense of this logic? I certainly cannot. It is time for people to stop using God to advance their own personal, political, or other agendas and start figuring out how they fit into God's agenda. It is time for people to stop rejoicing at others' supposed judgment, and start realizing that we are all imperfect, unworthy of anything good. And it is time for people to stop putting words that God never said in His mouth, and start listening to what He already said.
If we pay close attention, we might hear Him say, "I was hungry and you gave me food; I was thirsty and you gave me drink. I was a stranger and you welcomed me; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you visited me; I was in prison and you came to me...as you did to one of the least of these you did to me" (Matt. 25:35-36, 40). "Wait a minute...do you actually mean helping out those victims of the hurricane, as wicked and evil as they are, would be the same as helping Christ?!" I don't want to put words in God's mouth, but I think this is what He is trying to say.
Let those of us who represent God represent Him for who He really is, so that people may come to know who He really is. Then, maybe Pat Robertson can stop talking, so that Jesus Christ can actually be heard.
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